Fatherhood as Vocation

by Graham Scharf

I’m wired to be an achiever. Give me a problem, and I’ll solve it; give me a goal, and I’ll exceed it. I never dreamed of being a father, because I didn’t think it was important. It was a part of life, to be sure, but a peripheral part of being an achiever.

It was a very good thing that I had the privilege of fathering thrust upon me, because I would have chosen achievement over children. My wife, Rebecca, gave birth to our firstborn daughter, Elisabeth, when we were only 25 and still in the midst of higher education. She was in her fourth year of medical school, and I was teaching full time in a failing elementary school while completing my final year of a Master of Arts in Teaching.

Our life situation gave us three options. We could pay someone else to provide childcare; Rebecca could be the full time parent; or I could be the full time parent. With a grueling residency which could demand as much as 100 hours a week still ahead of Rebecca, we realized that if we both worked, we would have little or no family time for the next three years. Alternately, if she stayed home with Elisabeth, it would be far more difficult to do a residency later in life – and without a residency, she wouldn’t be able to practice medicine at all. By contrast, I had experience in a successful consulting team, and an advanced degree in education. I could step out of the workforce and step back in with relative ease. Becoming a full-time father was, from our perspective, the only viable option.

I live in New York City, the Mecca of achievers. One of the first questions in a conversation with a new acquaintance in a playground or at a cocktail party is almost inevitably, “So, what do you do?” Among my peers, the answers range from investment banking to medicine, to running a start-up or non-profit. Everyone does something remarkable. And then the question comes to me, “So, what do you do?” I remember well that when I first became a full-time father, I told people what I had done in consulting and education, and concluded, “And now I’m home with my daughter.” Fatherhood, as much as I enjoyed it, still didn’t measure up on the achiever index.

When Elisabeth was about four years old, I discovered Honey for a Child’s Heart: The Imaginative Use of Books in Family Life. In those pages Gladys Hunt introduced me to the rich world of enjoying children’s literature with children. We went to the library and checked out stacks of books from the book list (which comprises the entire second half of the book), and sat together on the floor with Curious George, Olivia the pig, Lilly’s Big Day and her Purple Plastic Purse, among others. I called my parents and announced, “I have found the best book on children’s literature!” They replied, “Did you know that we used that book to find books for you when you were little?” Their investment in me was now coming full circle as I began to relish fatherhood even more in the context of great books, combining my love for books and education with my love for fathering my daughter. When Elisabeth turned five, I read her the Chronicles of Narnia and the Little House on the Prairie series – and we both loved every minute.

I have been a full-time father for five years now, and we now have a second beautiful daughter, Katherine. I have come to both see and feel that being a father is not peripheral to achievement. A successful author and friend put it this way: “My books are popular now. In twenty years, I don’t know if anyone will remember my books. But I do know that I’ll have a relationship with my kids twenty years from now.” Relationships matter. My relationship with my daughters matters a lot more than my current employment – which I can almost certainly predict will not be my job in twenty years. Now when I’m asked, “So, what do you do?” I usually reply simply, “I’m a father.” My achievement index has been adjusted. It isn’t just that I have the privilege of being a full-time father; it is that I have the privilege of being a father.

Stay-at-home-Dads are a radical departure from traditional gender roles. As a follower of Jesus, how do you see this shift influencing the common good?
If you were in Graham's position, would you have made the same career decision? Why or why not?

Editor’s Note: Keith Zafren founded The Great Dads Project, a non-profit dedicated to transforming men into deeply satisfied dads. This piece will appear as an essay in Keith’s upcoming book, A New Generation of Fathers: Become the Dad You Wish Your Father Had Been. Learn more or download a sample section of the book here. The Introduction to Graham's book, The Apprenticeship of Being Human: Why Early Childhood Parenting Matters to Everyone is available here.

Comments

Otto Zingg

Some years ago, our family had a situation similar to Graham Scharf's. When we moved into Baltimore, MD, in 1978, my wife and I decided that, for the sake of her law career with Legal Aid Services, she needed to work full time. I took on the role as primary parent. We had three sons in elementary school at the time, so I found part time work with very flexible hours, so that I could be there when they left for school and when they returned home in the afternoons. I also baked all our bread, plus prepared most of the meals on the weekdays, took the boys to various appointments (dentists, doctors, etc.), and was the liaison with their teachers at school.

It was a role I took on for six years until we moved to another community, where I had full time work, but still with flexible hours. By that time, our sons were all in either middle or high school and were able to take more responsibility for themselves. I found that period of parental involvement to have been most fulfilling for me.

Michael Grant

Very nice article, thanks. While I am not the primary caregiver in my home, I'm privileged to work flexible hours, mostly from home, and it has been a great blessing to me to have so much time to spend with my daughter. I think many stay-at-home parents of both genders have to adjust their achievement indexes the way you have! And let me also second your endorsement of "Honey for a Child's Heart"; it has been a great resource for us, and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

dthaase

Several years ago my father-in-law, just into retirement, uttered this phrase, "We have now been without our kids in the home twice as long as we ever were with kids in the home."

As a young stay-at-home dad this comment struck me deeply. As I have had the opportunity to homeschool my boys the past six years and played at-home dad for 12, I am seeing more and more how short these years truly are.

What I have before me in these years is the greatest opportunity for discipleship that a human being can experience. I am fortunate that my life could be set up in such a way where I am able to spend such concentrated time with my children. They have taught me how to live well in the mundane as well as how to play; which strikes as the core of why we exist here on earth - i.e. to worship, which it seems to me has at its core and understanding of what it entails to live well in the mundane and therein play!

Graham Scharf

Thanks, gentlemen, for your feedback.

Otto and dthaase, I'm glad that you have found such fulfillment, joy (and play!) in the privilege of fathering. And Michael, I think you've hit on one of the greatest benefits of flexible work arrangements - that the home can again be the locus of life.

And I'm glad I'm not alone in enjoying Honey for a Child's Heart!

Matthew Scott

I only spent about six months as a stay-at-home dad while my wife finished a second master's degree and my second child was too young to go to pre-school. Graham - a dear friend - was an inspirational model in this choice. My only regret is that I hadn't quit my job earlier. I'm back working in a very demanding job with frequent international travel, and I yearn to have that much quality time with my kids again.

That intense time with my daughter awakened me to one of the fundamental paradoxes of 21st Century American evangelicalism - we spend so much time emphasizing the loving Father of all, and yet evangelical fathers spend so little time manifesting that love to their own children. To all dads: whatever your day job, remember that Fatherhood is a vocation that will connect your children deeply to their heavenly Father.

Thank you Graham for committing these truths to the Q community.

Agus Susanto

Thank you for your inspired stories Dads.

I have a similar situation right now, when my wife should finish her PhD, and we are not living in our homeland.

I need to learn more from you Dads, since I am Asian, and most of Asian people still hardly to accept a father staying at home with his children.

Sometimes, I have lack of confidence to say to my friend that I am 'only' a father.

Graham Scharf

Take courage, Agus! Even if it is hard to say (and it certainly can be in some communities in the United States), what you are DOING is cultivating a relationship with your children, which will outlast any particular job you might have. Well done!

Rhoda

Thank you so much for this article. I gave up a successful military career to focus on my marriage and my children, twin boys who are now 13, only to have my husband leave me. We were married for 14 years and I was home for almost 6 of those years. I have struggled with how to reinvent myself in a failing economy and have gone back to school for my own master's in education. Your words, however, reminded me that despite circumstances the greatest thing I have ever done or will ever do is raise my boys. I will learn to say proudly, "I am a mother!" Thank you, Thank you!

Martha Bergin

This is one of the most beautiful essays I've ever read. I see it as profoundly feminist. Many approaches to feminism carry hidden assumptions that somehow all humans achieve the fullest expression of their potential--and their greatest accomplishments--outside the home. While I would never forget that the rigid gender roles of the past have trapped many women in domestic roles that were a poor fit for their gifts, I think it is equally important that the world develop a deep and sincere valuing of relationships, nurturing, inclusiveness, collaboration, and family ties. Lives like your can change the world. Thank you.

L.M. Bori

Martha Bergin: there is nothing the least bit "hidden" about feminism's objection to mother's staying at home rather than having careers outside the home. In fact if this exact same article had been written by a woman, it would have been met with a barrage of criticism and condemnation.

It is massive hypocrisy to tell men how it is so essential and important and valuable to give up careers and stay home full time, while telling women the exact opposite. Especially so when it comes from people who insist they believe in treating both sexes equally and not making distinctions on the basis of gender.

When men stay home it's wonderful, and when a women stay home they're "trapped" and not using "their gifts."

You can't make feminists icons for telling women their children don't need them at home, and then tell men the best thing they can do is stay home.

It's too late, You can't spend the last 50 years telling women that it is best for them and their families if they have fulfilling careers outside the home, and now turn around and tell men the exact opposite. All the while claiming you oppose different standards based on gender. You can't spend years ridiculing "June Cleaver" and "1950's relationships, as "oppressive" and then advocate the same relationships as long as men are in the "June Cleaver" role. You can't say women who stay at home are in need of "liberation," and then say men who stay at home are to be envied and are doing something essential. Not without insulting all the women who have stayed home. Not with out being a massive hypocrite.

We live in the Middle East where I watch Muslim fathers "sit" with their families every evening for hours and bring their whole extended family together once a week for meals. Here everybody loves babies, the men most of all. And my 14-year-old, male students all list Friday as their favorite day because they get to "go to the mosque [with all the men] and pray." In the face of this, I'm ashamed of how little time Americans in general, and American men in particular, spend with their children.

I applaud this article as the beginning of rebuilding the idea of men as achievers in their family roles. Men, welcome back, we've been missing you at home.