Gospel

Friendship Evangelism

A Betrayal of Friendship

by Chris Heuertz

During the formative years of my Christian socialization I was led to believe that evangelistic strategies didn't necessarily require thoughtful evaluation. The goal was the most important thing. And when it came to evangelism, the ends almost always justified the means.

For the past seventeen years I've been involved in missions. I don't claim to be an expert on evangelism or even describe myself as a missiologist, but I have interacted literally with hundreds of organizations and thousands of people involved in world evangelism. On more than one occasion, I've also been the target of sincere evangelists: the Hare Krishnas in airports handing me a book; the Evangelicals perusing the streets of an urban center giving me a tract; the Jehovah's Witnesses who come to my door invite me to church; and the Mormons on their bikes with their clean white pressed shirts actually trying to talk with me. While the strategy differences are subtle, the fundamental approach of the one seeking to convert me to her/his faith is generally the same. It's an approach that leaves me feeling victimized by a mentality that reduces me to a potential convert. Let me explain.

In the more thoughtful evangelistic strategies to convert someone like me, my responsiveness (or lack thereof) is sometimes scaled which places me on a receptivity index. This index then give clues to the evangelist as to which strategy will work best on me. That mentality usually makes me feel like a targeted consumer of religion and the evangelist a salesperson marketing their version of faith. The best evangelists track these sorts of marketing trends and utilize the best practices of religious sales strategies to win the most souls.

Now, even though the organization I work with is part of the larger missions industry, we've tried to back out of strategic starting points and have made simple commitments to love. We have tried to unwind our missional imaginations from an outcomes-based success metric by looking at ourselves to understand "success." For us, success isn't measured in the responsiveness of those among whom we serve, but is evaluated in our fidelity and faithfulness to those we're in community with.

As we give ourselves in friendship among some of the most vulnerable of the world's poor, we don't give our love based on their response to it, rather we offer ourselves as friends. Friends who stick around. Friends who love, even when we're not loved back.

There's something in the friendship between Jesus and his disciple Judas that invites us to reconsider success metrics in evangelism. Though it's likely Christ knew Judas would betray him, Jesus was still faithful in love to his friend. All the way to the end, even when that included a betrayal.

Comments

Michael Abramson

I don't think we're actually supposed to be strategic with our friendships or with our love. I think we are to love all with reckless abandon, maybe even without reason (aside from the fact that our very souls are permeated by the love of God, moving us in compulsion). I think of the Parable of the Sower... though it's easy to be distracted by the fertile soil that yields much fruit, we often overlook that Jesus gave no strategic advice on how to love or spread the Kingdom aside from one statement: Let all who have ears, let them hear. He doesn't tell us to think of where the Word of God would be best received or where love would be most appreciated. He just says, let all who have ears, let them hear. The outcome of loving all - all know life to one extent or another, for that is the power of a Divinely breathed love.

You look to the next parable in Matthew 13 and you see the Parable of the Wheat and the Tares. Interestingly enough, the landowner says let the tares grow with the wheat - cultivate the one along with the other. I truly believe this is Jesus telling us to minister to all of whom your life intersects regardless of their true essence or potential. We lack the purest and truest discernment ability so Jesus reserves this for Himself... simply saying, let all those who have ears, let them hear.

Speaking to the title of your post - To befriend someone as part of a long-term evangelistic plan is both disingenuous and unloving. It is, perhaps, more insidious than grabbing a bullhorn and standing on a corner or hosting gimmicky outreach events or passing out tracks, because behind your actions is the subtle, unspoken statement - "You're not worth real love or a real friendship. You're only worth a long-term conversion attempt that will feed my saviour complex." Honestly, Jesus called us to a love with a broader scope that delves deeper into our souls till it refines us to the point where nothing but His love defines us at our core. From here, we are able to step into whatever moment, in whatever relationship and be Truth and be Love that in all instances glorifies God - not out of a contrived relationship with a strategic ending but out of the very essence of who we are, as it is now defined trully and wholly by God.

Ron Dotzler

The heart of our motivation is made clear in this article. It is interesting however that Jesus was very specific and maybe even purposefully strategic in many of the words we see described in scripture. For example, he declared that he came to "seek and save that which was lost". That sounds pretty definitive, pretty focused and almost strategic. Another scripture that immediately comes to mind is Luke 10:9 which speaks about "shaking the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them." In reference to the article by Chris, this kind of scripture would seem pretty cold and callus. Maybe we do have the loving heart that Chris speaks about and yet we have a focus, strategy or directive that leads us to people for a very powerful and purposeful reason.

Rob Reardon

I have a friend who got called on the carpet once about "friendship evangelism." She struck up this friendship with another runner and over the course of several weeks began sharing her faith with this new friend. Before long, the new friend asked point blank - "Am I a project?"

Needless to say, my friend felt almost an inch tall and seriously began reassessing her "evangelism" techniques...

Jeff Straka

Samir Selmanovic, in his book "It's Really All About God", really opened my eyes as to what it means to "evangelize". It is US who needs to be evangelized by the OTHER.

http://www.samirselmanovic.com/about/articles-about-samir/

amber Donais

I couldn't agree more with Michael - beautifully, articulately put. I personally do not like the term "friendship evangelism" simply because it begins to take something genuine and organic and projects it as a strategy or formula. Are we to be intentional, making the most of every opportunity to share the love of Christ? Of course. But I think that in the case of befriending those who are outside the Christian faith, the friendship comes first - not evangelism. Once a foundation of trust and mutual respect is established, over time, often the door may open for conversation to flow naturally between friends.

I think one problem we can run into as Christians is that we are so quick to speak and so slow to listen to the hearts of others. When we are willing to invest the time and energy into learning about another person - what they believe, what they're afraid of, what they have questions and doubts about, what makes them happy, what they dream of, what's most important to them - what we share in return about ourselves is more authenticated by our curiosity to know them, our lack of hurriedness to speak. We are students of them, without an agenda, purely for the sake of loving them, of knowing them.

When I share Jesus with my friends who do not know him, I do so from a place of passion, of intimacy, of communicating hope. I think the more we as Christians fall in love with the gospel story and understand the depths of grace and scandalous love and hope that it offers to everyone, the more the excitement swells within us and we are compelled by genuine passion, to share this story with others. I do not speak of Jesus as if I he were a gimmick I try to fit into every interaction possible; I speak of him as if I were in love with him, because those who are in love can't help but speak of the one they love. I share the journey I am on with Jesus, as if I'm telling a story that is still in process. I don't view it as an attempt to convert anyone, rather, as a moment in which I'm inviting someone else to meet this one I love, because it's just too good of a love to keep to myself. Whether it's through listening or speaking or serving, if it's not done in love, it's not Jesus.

Tala Strauss

I don't think Jesus said, "faithfulness to Judas is the most important priority." The most important priority for Jesus was the Father's will, and Jesus knew that that included being betrayed by Judas. It is important not to put our relationships with others above our relationship to God. Friendship evangelism should not forget that if we believe in the gospel, friendship itself is a waste if we do not communicate the Life, the Way, and the Truth. Is it truly loving to hide the good news from our best friends, when you know that Jesus promises redemption when we come to Him in repentance?

Kevin Grasso

Although one's sole purpose in befriending anyone should not be "conversion," I think it would be terribly wrong of us to neglect sharing the good news. If a genuine friend showed signs of an imminent heart attack, it would be unloving and borderline hateful not to tell them of their condition. How can you love someone and not tell them the greatest news in the history of the world, news in which eternity rests upon?

I think what must be evaluated is our reason for loving others. Jesus love shown on the cross should be the driving force behind everything we do, so as 1 John 4:19 says we should love others in response to His love. If we make loving others an end in itself, we are placing something in front of God. We should genuinely, recklessly love everyone, regardless of character, religion, or circumstance, because Jesus our King did it first on the cross.

Sharing the gospel is the same way. How can we not talk about someone who we love so much and gave himself for us? Our role then should just be to love others as Christ did and to teach others as He did. We are failing ourselves when we begin to neglect following Christ's way of life to make more "converts." Whether the Spirit decides to move in others or not is not up to us, and it is much too heavy of a burden to carry. We can only continue to pray in faith and let His Spirit work in us to create a new Christ-like disposition that can reach others as He did.

amber Donais

Agreed, Kevin. Good points. Loving for the sake of loving is not the goal. Not sharing the Person of greatest worth with others, as the Spirit leads, is not loving others. If God is love, however, and those who love Him are to abide in Him and He in us, then ultimately, love is the end, because love is embodied in the Person of Christ and our end goal is Him. It is all about Him.

Milton Marks

We are to love as Jesus loved. Period. Evidence coming in from unchurched young and middle adults reveals their deep lack of trust and faith in church folks. They are not interested in becoming another supporter of the institutional church. They don't trust it for most part because the examples of "true Christians" does not mirror the love they read about in the scriptures regarding Jesus. Many are immune to traditional forms of evangelism. They are looking for an experience of authentic community. Anything less will simply drive them away from Christ and His Church.

It's been a long time now but I still feel a bit of anger when I think about the experience. A couple who had befriended my wife and I invited us over to their house for dinner and a time to "get to know each other better." We talked for a while and then they hit us with the hard sell about how rich we would become if we were to sell these wonderful household products from a truly "Christian" company. The sense of being personally betrayed and violated was overwhelming produced a burning rage in my soul. We were polite of course and withdrew to the safe space of our own home as quickly as possible. Some have done the same thing in the name of the Jesus and the results are the same.

When then do you share Jesus in a direct way? When the friendship is secure, the love is demonstrated, and the witness bursts forth from a heart of genuine compassion. This, of course, is a slower process that so-called "friendship evangelism" or the methodology employed by "Evangelism Explosion" or others approaches drawn from the business community. It, however, is the only way to have our witness bear spiritual fruit.

Jeremiah

If we really believe, and I do, that a person is destined to hellfire if they do not accept the gift of righteousness through Christ Jesus, than the only real act of love is to win them to the Lord. Once I visited a hospital and the doctor came into my room with a friendly smile. I realize that he had put that smile on for my sake, to put me at ease so he could advance his 'agenda' of converting my sickness to health, but I did not resent him because I realized I was sick. Make no mistake about it, the world is sick, much worse than I was, they just don't realize it. The real problem is that they don't accept the fact that they are about to go into cardiac arrest and the most loving thing in the world is to get them the medicine of the Gospel. OF COURSE they are a 'project' but it is a project with their best interest at heart, so I disguise the medicine and wrap it in 'be all things to all people so i might win some' so I can REALLY love them. The problem I have always struggled with is - How do you get these people to understand they are sick? They have terminal cancer, but they won't admit it, or bother to look. I realize it is the work of the Holy Spirit to convince them of their sin, but I also have come to accept that they won't believe unless someone preaches to them.

Josh

Interesting conception of ministry; "friendship evangelizing." It sounds like something that the emerging church marketing department cooked up to reach a new group of people. Mostly it seems like a post-modern interpretation of a methodology of Christian modernity.

Prior to the current generation in America, those who heard the words of the Great Commission, like William Carey, Keith Green and Jim Elliot, and spent their life going out into the world proselytizing, making friends and building communities for the sake of Christ. They knew that their goal was to serve Christ. They weren't adding people to facebook, getting in with a new crowd or raising awareness for their esoteric personal gain through the process.

Relational ministry was EXACTLY what Christ was all about. Do you think He chose to call Peter out of the dedication in Peter's heart to their friendship? Great friend!?! You get arrested and he denies he knows you. A couple people have commented on the truth of the matter; following God's will over our own and Christ's seeking the lost. This is the Nazarene Carpenter which changed the world, building relationships with those in need, for their benefit and being obedient to the will of the Father above their betrayal and deserved death from sin.

In today's times we like to redact history in some sort of all applicable vacuum of idealism and truthful implication. The reality of Christ is in building relationships out of love for the Father and love for one another. Jesus wasn't looking for some dudes to hang out with for a couple years, eating fish and chips, sharing opinions and walking the countryside. He was looking for people who would accept the call and join Him in the journey of obedience to the will of the Father - beyond intention, to death...

We all have stories where we can contextualize the instances of bad practice or anecdotal experience of those who misrepresented Christ to another, but this isn't a formative method for realigning the mission of Christ to the lost. You can soften the message of Christ in a mission of perpetuating love all you want, but that is the recipe of "man's power" of influence working in the lives of others, not God's.

As for me, I know that people can have a lot of conversations, but only one conversion. It is very socially responsible, and currently popular among young idealists, to help the world's poor and make a difference to those who are in the masses of physical and nutritional need. But it is not very popular to befriend your overweight, needs a shower, downstairs neighbor "Joe," whose only interest is Worlds of Warcraft. In befriending him, even if your idea is to convert him, you build a bridge of connection to another human being. The truth is, we are all projects. We are all people with life-severing issues, to which God sent his Son to this world to "befriend" so that we may know life more abundant in Him. God is using us to connect to others and connecting to us in the process. He gives us all opportunities to reach out to those he places in our path; whether we're in Sudan or San Diego.

I challenge any of you to really try to befriend someone with the focus of Christ as the center and see who is affected more. The Lord will touch others, but if the seeking is based in Him; He will touch our hearts as well through our service to his will. The essence of community is not building a lightpost for people to gather around; it is bonding each one to another through something transcendent. Man's love and friendship is not transcendent. God's love through men and women brings connection to Himself. He is the only element which provides the significance. Connection to Him is the only transcendence we know.

Reconsider your evangelism success metrics indeed. If it's not centered on Christ, and Christ is not exalted as the meaning for the mission, than it's just well intentioned hanging out...

Robin

I am having a hard time figuring out how to say what I think about all this. Friendship can not be a project. And a strategy of making friends to lead them to Jesus doesn't feel right. Figuring out of to be loving God and loving my neighbor enough that the way I am interacting with other people allows me to show people my faith and what God is wanting for them....

I didn't see Paul mentioned too much in the comments above and kinda think he'd be a good one to reference here. Christ came to give his life, being a model for us... true. But his mission on earth was to do what the Father had sent him to do. Though his mission isn't one dimensional, (I agree Christ came not just to die (or else, why have a ministry in the process?) it was the crux. So, what about his followers? What did they look like? Paul, the greatest missionary of all time and author of the over half the books of the NT, wrote these straight forward simple words, "I became all things to all people that I might win some." He was VERY strategic. He saw every lost soul, not just as someone to befriend, but as a "prospect."

The gospel to me seems much more about God's glory than anything else. The lost do not express God's glory, they repress His person and will (Rom 1). Paul wants everyone at any cost to know Christ. It rightly brings man into conformity which that which he was created to be. It not only is best for man, but most glorifying for God. It seems to me that Paul's love for his fellow man (Rom 9) didn't even think about "friendship." It was about reconciling sinners to their Maker. It was about restoring a friendship with God they had forfeited through sin. To love others and God was to share the gospel with them. Consider them what you may, but in the end it seems Paul saw them as sheep without a shepherd and it broke his heart so deeply that he gave everything and became anything so that anyone who was willing would come to Christ!

I think the bigger issue being argued is discipleship, not evangelism. It's what one does with a convert afterwards that continues to demonstrate the commitment beyond the conversion. Discipleship walks with the individual through life and loves them every step of the way. Again Paul is a model of this. Missionary journeys that took years to complete were embarked upon to "check up" on churches he had planted. His letters exude with love for the saints of God.

It's the total package. Share Christ, then teach them to obey all that He commanded.

Sam

I done something I should have never done. and that was going what I considered undercover to find the truth of Jehovah's Witnesses. I was able to have a study almost every week. I learned about their beliefs before I did this, and I learned that in order to speak to them you must set yourself up as weak and confused. I did this and when I was not looking for a friend because of the way he treated me last year I thought I would be able to handle it. Well, he soon became by best friend and an older brother and not only did I feel like I was betraying him, but also my beliefs because no one else knew but two of my closest friends and an Ex-Jehovah's Witness. I had to sneak around and gain his trust which included betraying one close friend of mine to recieve my other friend's trust. Everything was going well, but my feelings and guilt betrayed me and I ended up telling him what I done. He never let me finish and not only have I lost any chance to learn anymore, but I lost two friends because of my stupid thinking. We must become friends but not fake friends like I was intenting to, but real friends like it soon bloomed out to be. Unfortunately, I lost friends for the poor decision I made.

Scott

If Chris in his short essay is reaching towards motive, good job! If not, I would hope and pray Chris would consider trying this ... then write again.

tommyab

I didn't read all the comments, but maybe the problem with the "conversion" approach with modern evangelism (which make the unsaid assumption that the sharing of the Good News requires the same strategies and the same ways of a used cars salesman... or a vacuum cleaner traveling salesman... ) is that sharing the gospel is not about convincing people.

The gospel is a proclamation. It's an affirmation.

Not a sale game.

When it become a sale, the life of the seller has nothing to do with the thing that is sold... I mean: I don't care if a used cars salesman doesn't own a used car that he chose among his own cars... I just want a good car.

But the gospel is not a product.

It's a way.

Jesus' instructions about the proclamation of the Good New are quite clear. He doesn't insist. If people refuse, he instructed the disciples to just leave the town and go to another one.

A very good part of Bonhoeffer' Discipleship about that topic, when he comments on Matthew 7: http://tinyurl.com/3btvdz4

heather

I think most christians struggle with evangelism. However you look at it, you feel like you are trying to sell something, sell Jesus. I know that I had an amazing conversion with Christ, He took me from one position (anti) to another position (for Him) in a matter of minutes. did the people who talked to me about Jesus see me as a "project"? that is irrelevant - God used them. We are all struggling with how we talk about jesus - I know that Jesus was direct, He was relational, He was absolutely Honest - He lived the beauty of God but He also used words - we cannot just live the love of Christ and think that is enough. We cannot just speak and think that is enough. The whole Gospel is giving, loving, helping, speaking, being a servant - but never being quiet. If people take offence, and think we are taking them on as a "project:" well - what does that mean - Jesus came to the earth with intention and picked people out - were they a "project"? at the end of it all, we have to obey Him, no matter what people think - even if we are judged by other believers, and judged by the people we talk to - our walk is one of obedience to Him.

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