Marriage: Broken, In Need of Restoration

by Mark Regnerus

The new Pew Research Center data on marriage is discouraging, though hardly surprising. Four out of ten Americans believe marriage is becoming “obsolete.” The share of Americans that are married has shrunk, the share that’s cohabiting is up, and the share of American homes with kids in them is on the decline. I could go on.

However, most young Americans—and certainly the vast majority of Christians—still want to marry, and they don’t want to settle. But when I study how young Americans form their romantic relationships, Christians included, I’ve come to the conclusion that while lots of them may want to marry, they just won’t get there from here. There are emerging barriers that are making marriage rarer.

Marriage isn’t gone. It’s not obsolete. And it’s certainly not unwanted. But it is becoming more unusual. Why? A more thorough answer will have to wait, but two ideas deserve our attention.

First, we fail to recognize that there is both a sex market out there and a marriage market, and they don’t overlap nearly so neatly as they used to. Many young adults are content to remain in the sex market for years. For this group, marriage can wait. Now is the time for having a little fun. Indeed, to marry means giving up experiencing sex with other people, and settling on only one. How to choose?

Others—especially but not exclusively Christians—are only in the marriage market. Since what they hope for—chastity in a spouse—is becoming increasingly rare, the average Christian is spending more time on the marriage market (and making more sexual compromises along the way) than in previous generations. A recent study estimate suggests that the average evangelical marries somewhere around age 26 or 27, not much younger than the national average. But as I’ve noted elsewhere, steering clear of sex during this most fertile and virile period of the life course is both difficult and increasingly uncommon. Some of the blame lies not with their flight from marriage, but their simple delay of it. But as they delay it, their attitudes are changing. Many young adult Christians are making their peace with premarital sex—some because they wish to, others because they feel they have little choice.

[Read Mark Regnerus's controversial 2009 article, "Say Yes. What Are You Waiting For?" in The Washington Post.]

Second, the rising age at marriage is due not simply to Americans’ disinterest in it, but also to some major changes in American life. Men—the gender that typically pops the question—are struggling economically more than ever. The kind of work that many men could earn a good living at and support a family has disappeared, having either fled the country or been replaced by automated technologies. For example, General Motors doesn’t need as much skilled labor today as they once did. Women, on the other hand, are emerging as success stories economically and educationally. The economy favors them. But their romantic relationships are increasingly foundering or never even materializing. Why? Because women no longer need men in order to live successful lives. They want men and marriage. But they don’t need them.

It’s what sociologists call an unintended consequence: when women no longer need men, the way romantic relationships are conducted will change. And change they have, as I describe in Premarital Sex in America (Oxford, 2011). In the end, many young Americans—indeed most—will still find their meandering way to the altar, but fewer than ever before.

Watch Mark Regnerus's talk at Q Chicago on "Saving Marriage Before It Starts:"

Q | Saving Marriage Before it Starts from Q Ideas on Vimeo.

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What do you think about the reasons given above for why marriage is becoming less common? In your opinion, how important are recent economic trends to this discussion?

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Editor’s Note: The artwork above is “The Lovers” by Rene Magritte (1928). It is currently on display at the Modern Museum of Art and expressed a sense of both intimacy mixed with isolation. Learn more here.

Comments

Dave Taylor

The research results really don't surprise me. Frankly, I don't think the church is going to be very effective at doing anything about it apart from regaining some of its declining "saltiness" (cf. Mt 5:13).

This is going to mean a lot more than holding signs at rallies, supporting "family values" candidates or even writing op-eds or blog posts. It means that marriages in this generation are going to have to work in an era of declining economic opportunities and the end of my generation (I'm 53) taking for granted ever-increasing prosperity and affluence.

It's no secret, for example, that financial problems are marriage-killers. How committed will people be to keep their vows before God and man when push comes to shove? This is an opportunity for the "next Christians" to lay hold of faith in practical ways that my generation doesn't understand.

For the most part, my baby boomer compatriots are like the seed sown among thorns, who "do not mature" (Luke 8:14) because of life's worries, riches and pleasures interfering with a life of genuine faith. I have more hopes for the next generation, because the majority of this generation may "die in the wilderness" (i.e., another way of saying they won't mature in the faith) despite all that God has demonstrated to them and done for them.

http://disjournal.blogspot.com

Randy Heffner

The most interesting point to me in Mark's Q Chicago talk is the percentage of young adults who say they want to marry: 90%+. What are the visions of marriage that drive this statistic so high?

As a casual observer, my first stab at it would be that marital desire is driven by vague romantic notions of self-satisfaction gained from one's partner. Sex, as a major source of satisfaction, figures prominently, but the vision of self-satisfaction is far more pervasive and insidious. Case in point: As implied by the proverbial marital complaint, apparently my satisfaction ought to be served by the way my spouse squeezes toothpaste — not to mention whether they take out the garbage or how they spend their time or money. Assimilation is the direction in which a self-satisfaction vision of marriage goes: My spouse is an extension of me, and I'm happy in marriage to the degree that they operate as I wish them to. I've observed innumerable cases of relational intransigence tied ultimately to a self-satisfaction vision, and I see innumerable cultural influences — including teaching within the church — that reinforce this vision.

I see another possibility. If I can grasp the inhumanity of using another for my self-satisfaction, my focus turns to appreciating beauty in my spouse and to gratitude for the beauty of what we share. If I realize that I am broken, that we all are broken to some degree, I'm not surprised when my spouse disappoints me — in fact, I expect it. Part of the beauty that we share is a path of mutual growth. Because I realize that I need grace for my failings, I understand more how to give grace so that we might both grow toward who we need to be. The center of my satisfaction shifts from my own pleasure to the Beauty of who we are individually becoming and who we are becoming together through what we share. This requires the deepest intimacy and trust (not to mention ever-increasing relational maturity), which centers it in a vision of life-long commitment. It also brings full life and beauty to sex as intimate expression and celebration of the Beauty we are creating.

So I ask: What can we do to create and grow a culture and vision of marriage as intimate privilege of growing together — a vision powerful enough to counter structural social pressures, to bring out sex's beauty as deepest relational intimacy (and expose its hollowness as momentary pleasure), and to strengthen marriages by reframing conflict as an occasion to understand and respect who we are each becoming and what we are building together?

KoAnn Skrzyniarz

What a beautiful post, Randy, thanks for it. Marriage has the potential for being the proving ground of learning how to coexist with joy in our human differences. Even for those of us who understand this, though, it sure is tough. I appreciate the encouragement of the reminder...

R.W. Tuck

From my experience which is limited to pastoral relationships the vast majority of people who are not married but living together and having kids will tell you up front that it is better financially to remain unmarried because of government support.

Daniel Wentworth

My 21 year old son married his 21 year old college sweetheart in June of this year. They are poor as church mice yet happy as a lark. She graduated in the spring; he will graduate in December after finishing his student teaching this fall. She works at Caribou; he gives plasma. They live a little one room apt. which she has made very homey. My wife and I encouraged him to get married because he said he was sure he would marry this young lady some day. If that's what you believe there is no sense in waiting, at least not in their case.

I share this only to say that Mark Regnerus brings up several good points including his own example of his early marriage days.

If your reading this and your young wondering about your marriage decisions be encouraged that it's still OK to marry young. My son and his wife maintain friendships with both married couples and single friends.

I believe a good marriage is an earthly expression of heavenly relationship; albeit, with a few bumps along the way.

jweaks

Hmmm... anybody notice anything conspicuously missing from the discussion?

Nathaniel Thomas

I personally have been married since 22. I love it.

My wife and I think people may be waiting to get married as a lack of sexual purity. If you aren't saving anything for marriage then whats the point of getting married? We hear "well we just want to see if this living together thing will work before we try the marriage." The statistics are staggering http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-socio.html

To find out how awesome a Jesus centered/God's design marriage is has been one of the greatest gifts that I've experienced in this life. Sex is awesome when it's in its correct context, marriage. When it's not it is just mutual masturbation as simple as that.

I personally think the "economic" situation is a load of garbage...I hear all the time, "well I just want to be financially stable." What does that even look like? Are any of us actually ever financially stable? I'm stable in the knowledge that Jesus loves me and my wife loves me and I love Jesus and her. Other than those things everything else that is stable is a blessing. I read another post "poor as church mice" yep! Makes my heart smile.

In the end we are a generation of weak sauce "men," boys that still haven't grown up. Put down the xbox controller, get off the porno sites, get a job, find a church and immerse yourself in it, find Godly men to mentor you.

Anyways have a splendid day, Jesus Loves you. Stay pure and get married. If you feel like you've lost purity repent and accept the forgiveness God offers and ask God to break the spiritual chains of sexual impurity.

Nate

Some tell me I have the gift of celibacy. I am 28 years old, single, and am one of those rare breeds that continues to wait until I am married. I figure that if I have made it this far already, why give up now?? But in my heart of hearts, I want to be married someday. I suppose this means I am in the marriage market and not the sex market. In many ways this, along with being a woman in ministry, limits the pool of men I have to choose from. But I believe that God has rewarded my faithfulness, and maybe someday he will see fit to open the door to marriage for me. But until then, I am more committed than ever to wait. Even if that does make me a freak of nature :)

Joy Eggerichs

Great post - especially what you touched on about how things will shift once women don't need men. Single women in their 20's right now are making FAR more than men in most areas, but especially urban areas. I am all for equality, but when we are doing "better" than rather than "equal" to most men, it can make our feelings of superiority grow, and men's desire to pursue lessen.

Not always, but I see it happening.

Vicki

I'm 42 and not married. Why? Because that is the way God intended it. There really is no sociological or feminist reason behind it. I actually think it might be a good thing to believe that not all of us are meant nor have to be married. Maybe when that kind of pressure is off, then people will make more patient and spiritual decisions and the divorce rate and the split in families will be less severe. I think the challenge then becomes remaining chaste in this new environment, but it can be done and can be glorifying to God, just as much as a Christ centered marriage is.

Rev. Charley Buntin

My wife and I have had a biblical counseling ministry since 2001, and without any hesitation, we both say that the central problem with Christian marriage in America is a lack of discipleship. I remember several years ago when a pastor in an adjacent county referred a couple to us. "He is one of my best guys," said the pastor, "solid, there everytime the doors are opened, he is on several committees and supports the church as he should financially." The pastor had similar comments to make with reference to this man's wife. After an initial exploratory session, I wanted to introduce the scriptures that would be our chief guidepost. I said, "let's all turn to Ephesians 5." When I found the passage and looked up, his wife was also at the right place, and he was searching in the index trying to find out where Ephesians was located. " We have met the enemy and he is us," was the judgment of Pogo. The Great Commission is not to make converts, it is to make disciples. The Discipline of the Church, The Discipline of the Word, and the Discipline of the Spirit = a disciple.

John Trombley

@ Rev. Charley Buntin

Discipleship and SWORD drills are not the same thing. Some people need to use the index in a dictionary.

@ jweaks

I can think of a few things missing.

How about failed / bad marriages. I have seen a few that I would rather be dead than in. In some respects saying "I do" is much like playing Russian roulette with more than one round in the gun. That alone has keep me out of the market for a wile.

How about the thin pickings. It seems that most of the 20 somethings have ether gotten married or left the church. I attended a smaller church (~100) for a wile where I was the only one who was nether a kid nor a parent. There is more to finding a spouse then them being single. The ladies have it bad since in many churches it is 2:1 so it is a non-christian or no one for half of them.

How about work. Those of us who are blessed to have jobs are working them if only to keep them. We are serving in the church. We are trying to keep up with personal needs (aka cooking, laundry, ...) When do we have time to find a mate? If we got one, we would not have the time to maintain the relationship and no marriage is better then a bad one.

Finlay some churches actively discourage inter gender interactions. It is rather hard to find a wife if you can't ask any one out on a date.

Jeff Nelson

First I must apologize for my generations example that we have set for marriage. When Christians can't offer a better standard or set the bar higher for others to follow then it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the trajectory of future generations who are simply following our own selfish examples. I hope our younger set can forgive us for this lack of strong example. That said it is up to every christian to study the word of God and to own the responsibility of what it means to have a pleasing relationship to God and partner. 100 years ago it wasn't uncommon for teens to get married and yet the divorce rate was much lower then, now our culture puts a much higher priority on career than it does the relationship of marriage. A good career is nice, it helps us to be good providers but it also is based on consumerism and getting all you can from life before you settle down, and the unintended consequence in the seemingly intelligent decision puts you 10-15 years out from the beginning of your sexual drive in which you have to either twiddle your thumbs or get "active" . Anyone who remains pure for their future partner is making such a heroic sacrifice and is building a legacy for the future that will be a valuable treasure. And yet the pragmatic decision to be sexually active is the relentless tidal wave that just keeps coming. I have no easy silver bullet answers except to say, find out what pleases God and do it, and to treat others better than yourself.

Kathleen

I am very disturbed by the male chauvinistic comments. Regnerus said that the 20's were a "virile" time of life. And Daniel Wentworth said "they live in a little one room apartment that she has made very homey." YUCK!

Marriage is not going to survive unless men affirm women as equal leaders and providers. And it is society's job to teach men to affirm women's careers, take equal responsibility for housework and childcare, have strong sexual ethics, and so on.

Some of the most successful women I know had early marriages. Indeed, Nancy Pelosi married young. But until a majority of men become pro-feminist, I don't think early marriage will solve the church's marriage crisis. Indeed, it will just lead to more divorces.