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Social Sector
Motherhood as Vocation
by
Kate Harris
In Washington, D.C., it is only a matter of time before the kind woman standing next to me at a party will turn from talking with my husband and ask the inevitable, identity-testing, status-gauging question I have come to dread as a new and mostly stay-at-home mother.
“And what do you do?”
For blessing or curse, I live in a city and a culture that is uniquely focused on work. People come to Washington from all around the globe to make a difference in the world. And while education and experience ought to matter for much of the important work done here, as a professional nose-wiper working on an advanced degree in banana-mashing, this preoccupation with achievement can feel daunting nonetheless.
As a Christian, I find this vocational emphasis to be deeply fulfilling overall. I have come to believe, as the Reformers did, that all truth is God’s truth and all work is God’s work. Yet, in my transition from a very public, marketplace vocation working for leadership on Capitol Hill to a mostly private, familial vocation as a stay-at-home mother, I have become increasingly aware of how difficult it can be to find sufficient resources, conversations or even the vocabulary, to develop a coherent understanding and an intentional living out of this quiet, care-giving vocation that now defines the waking and working hours of my days.
A few weeks ago I gathered around a beautifully set dinner table with a number of other mothers—some new and some sage—to explore this timeless, tenured vocation women have committed themselves to throughout human history. Admittedly, having only been a mother for five months, I had the least to offer and the most to learn as I listened to the mothers of three, four and five children (even twins!) talk about the lessons, tensions, books and relationships that sustain them in their work each day. The evening was part of a series of Vocare conversations hosted by The Washington Institute and made possible by a grant from the Lilly Foundation, to bring together believers of a common vocation to discuss and learn how to better pursue their shared vocation in medicine or law or business or any number of professions, even stay-at-home motherhood. Thanks be to God.
The evening’s conversation centered around Andi Ashworth’s excellent book, Real Love for Real Life: The Art and Work of Caring, as well as a tiny treasure of a book, The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy and Women’s Work by Kathleen Norris, a Catholic poet and novelist. The books highlight the creative, purposeful and skillful ways stay-at-home work is both a meaningful part of God’s design and also a meaningful part of society as a whole. Yet this both/and proposition is precisely where the tension lies for so many of us mothers as we seek to hold together a sense of identity and an intentional use of our education and abilities while acknowledging the needs and limits within each season of motherhood.
Defining motherhood as a meaningful part of God’s work gives it honor. Though like any one side of a coin, it can also carry with it the implication that bearing and raising children is the only true and right way to do God’s work. The common impression within the church community that all “good women” will bear many children and proceed to raise them with a structure and intentionality that rivals Martha Stewart on speed, leads some to question their calling and, perhaps, even their faithfulness. Likewise, defining motherhood solely in terms of its market value can affirm the real contributions stay-at-home mothering offers families and society, yet it also can fuel comparisons that reinforce the sense that moms aren’t doing “real work” or work that is as important as doctors or lawyers or accountants, etc. Several women around the table noted this sense of being “just” a mom or recall friends asking, “But what do you do all day?” Sensing that motherhood falls outside the realm of real work leaves many feeling pressure to find other, market-based outlets for their gifts and abilities rather than looking for unique ways to apply their education and pursue their talents in creative ways alongside or within their primary role as caregivers.
As is almost always the case, both emphases carry truths as well as falsehoods, but our challenge that evening was to find a way to hold together, and live within, the tensions of both in a way that acknowledged our common vocation as mothers, while also offering space for the unique talents and passions of every woman around the table—as artist or writer or convener or teacher or whatever the case may be. The conversation also sought to honor the various stages of motherhood. For example, one striking theme among the younger moms was the sense of having lost their identity, of not feeling purposeful or valuable, and frequently questioning the ways they spend their time, whereas the mothers of older children were quick to emphasize the seasonal nature of motherhood, encouraging younger moms to recognize the limits and demands of each stage of mothering, and to embrace the challenges and opportunities each new season brings.
Two women, in particular, exemplified these inherent tensions in their own observations that night. One, a 25-year-old mother of two young children who is trained as a graphic designer and has recently started taking part-time classes toward a Master of Fine Arts, was frustrated by the feedback she was receiving from many of her fellow mom friends who applauded her new drawing classes as a good way for her to get a break from her kids. As she said, “When I paint it isn’t because I want more ‘me time’ like having a latte or getting a pedicure. It isn’t therapy. It’s what I feel made to do. I am a mother, but I’m also an artist so I have to believe I am a better mother to my kids when I make time to paint even if I don’t pursue that as a career.” For her it means putting her kids down at the same nap time every afternoon, brewing a pot of coffee, eating a bite of chocolate and painting for a few hours before they wake up.
For another mother of five older children, she described an epiphany moment she had as she was frantically forcing three small, crying kids into the car for a Bible study she felt committed to lead as a way to “stay involved.” As she explained, “I finally realized this wasn’t worth it. My kids were miserable, I was miserable. I couldn’t help but wonder why I was insisting on this.” That night she sat down with her husband and they talked about what they wanted to be true for their family, what kind of family motto they wanted to have, what Bible verses they wanted to live by, and how to use those principles to make good decisions about their priorities and commitments. It also meant not doing Bible study for a while and spending that time doing activities with her kids instead.
What I love about these two stories is how they demonstrate the uniqueness of every situation, and the importance of discernment within similar-but-not-identical circumstances. In both cases, these are women who have chosen to be full-time, stay-at-home moms and probably have similar commitments to drive and run errands and prepare meals each day. Yet, for my artist friend, part of her commitment to her family includes a commitment to her art. For my friend who learned to commit to principles rather than activities, faithfulness was taking a step away from the pressures of what a mother “should” be, in favor of what was good for herself and her kids for that brief season of time. Clearly there is no one “right answer” even though there are principles that matter for both.
I often find myself somewhere in between these two stories, at times fighting the urge to commit for commitment’s sake, while also feeling the sense that I was made to engage certain work and relationships that may necessitate some time away from my child. For me, it has meant finding ways to bring my daughter along with me for most of the meetings and commitments I have, and working with my husband and close friends to create opportunities to do work on my own when needed. For my best friend, who is a tremendously gifted thinker, writer and teacher (as well as a former dancer), she has learned to protect the Monday nights when her husband is home early, to either drop in on a dance class or to take that time to read and think and write over a cup of tea away from her home. Like my artist friend, her time away isn’t intended solely as “me time,” as much as it is a way to pursue her interests and steward her gifts in ways that fall outside her natural day as a mother.
In every case there is the commonality of care-giving right alongside the uniqueness of each woman as a person. For some, their natural gifts as a teacher, administrator, chef, organizer or nurturer may align very easily with many of the roles motherhood requires. Yet, for those who, like me, have less of a natural inclination toward some of the traditional duties mothers perform (except maybe throwing birthday parties!), my desire and commitment is still to care well for my children and to find ways I can allow my gifts and strengths to shape their childhood in unique ways, even as I rely on discipline and responsibility to do the equally important tasks (i.e. cleaning) that come less naturally to me.
In this conversation, along with so many others, I come back to the things I first learned in Dr. Steve Garber’s excellent book, Fabric of Faithfulness, which argues that sustainable faith comes from having a coherent worldview, mentoring relationships and community. As I think about motherhood as a vocation from this lens, I can see where all three are essential for women—young or old—to find peace and sustainability in what is arguably a rather chaotic enterprise.
Worldview affirms a mother’s place in God’s world, it gives her value and meaning not only for a season of babies or teenagers or empty nest, but over the whole of history. As one mother said at the table, “Parenting is a culture-shaping enterprise”—an idea that is rooted in a holistic view of the world and a mom’s place in it. Additionally, finding more experienced mothers to mentor and encourage you along the way can offer hope and practical advice when sleepless nights feel overwhelming. Likewise, engaging relationships with younger or newer moms to encourage them with what you have learned or endured through your own experience is equally important. Finally, community is critical for moms, especially young moms, whose care for young children can often, by its very nature, be isolating.
I find that the ability of women to meet the practical needs of fellow moms is astoundingly rare—helping scrub a bathtub after a friend’s kids have been sick, taking half a frozen lasagna to a friend whose husband is having to work long hours, calling a neighbor while you are out-and-about to see if you can grab a gallon of milk for them. And beyond practical needs, community is providing a place for women to talk with each other about their needs and limits, to talk about the unique challenges child rearing introduces in marriage, or to laugh about the sheer grossness of caring for messy little kids who vomit far too often for no good reason.
Leaving the table, I was reminded of the wonderful observation by G.K Chesterton in his book What is Wrong With The World in which he asks, “How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the rule of three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No. A woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.”
As I think about what it means to faithfully pursue my work as a mom, I hope myself and others can commit to this larger vision of our role as “culture shapers” who can hold our own beside PhDs and playwrights, lest we be tempted to think our daily occupation as nose-wipers and shuttle drivers is anything less than a grand enterprise.
As a follower of Jesus, how do you view the complexities of the role of a mother?
What are some ways that you manage faithfulness between your occupation and your vocation?
Editor's Note: This piece was originally posted on
The Washington Institute
. The image is from
BunchofPants.
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Comments
Rachel Stone
One of my friends made the observation that if a child or family of children is cared for by a private nanny or taught by a private tutor, we regard that as special and privileged, yet don't respect mothers who choose to take entire charge of their children's care and learning.
Rachael Starke
I've been a mother for close to eleven years, and a Christian for over twenty. It's only in the last few months that I've even begun to find a way to think about how my identity in Christ is the hub into which all the spokes of my other roles - woman, wife, mother, friend - must fit in order to function. To put it more simply - only the gospel frees us from our need to "accomplish" anything to have value before God. Jesus' accomplishment on our behalf gives us the right to be called children of God, and *that* frees us to live an entirely different life, expressing that identity and calling others to it by the way we live.
And good luck explaining *that* to the average "hard working" American, man *or* woman, non-Christian, or even Christian! If God granted wishes, mine would be that husbands' default question to their wives at the end of the day was *not* "What did you do today?" but "What did you learn today?" and "What did you teach today?" There are so many commands in Scripture about our calling to be teachers of children and other women!
That's my aim, and that's how I'm beginning to pursue balancing my calling as a mother, with my other vocations, like helping guide the spiritual focus of my kids' school, and aspiring to be a writer and speaker. In some (many!) moments, what my kids need to learn is "Mom is loving Jesus by loving us more than she loves her computer and helping us find more cardboard for our fort."
Drew Henricks
I've wondered why 'Family' wasn't a Q-Category
Chelsea B.
Amazing. Beautiful. Inspiring. What NEEDED words these are. I have to imagine that this will encourage so many moms. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful piece, Kate.
Jane Hinrichs
Every family is different. Every child needs to be parented in unique ways just as each parent will parent uniquely. When we grasp what a significant thing it is to shape a life for years, to ready that life to go out into the world and make an impact, we no longer care what people outside our home think of what we do.
I am a stay-at-home mom, have been for over 16 years. When my husband and I were expecting our first child, I prayed daily to be able to stay home with the baby. We both were in the military and I didn't want to leave my child parentless. I explained to God that if Moses' mom could be paid to take care of Moses, I could too.
And somehow He made it possible for me to stay at home even though on paper it looked impossible.
Fast forward 16 years. I am still at home. Now I stay home because one of our children has total-care disabilities. I know many look from the outside and see no value in what I do.
But when I look at my six children and the peace they have in their lives I know I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing at this time in my life.
Some women are better mothers when they aren't home full-time. I know this is true. We must choose what is best for our families -- how to best do this parenting job God gives to us in trust. Think about that -- the vast incredible amount of trust and hope God places in us parents.
Could I do that?
Could I hand over a child who I absolutely love so much with every single breath,every drop of blood, to a person I know is going to fail miserably at times, maybe more often than she succeeds? I don't think I could.
I am so glad God can. Thank you Jesus.
Qideas
@Drew: Thanks for your comment. As with all the channels, there are multiple sub-channels and industries within each channel. Family and Marriage are within the Social Sector.
Steve Clark
I read the words, "can motherhood as a vocation hold it's own as a culture-shaper" and thought what other vocation can hold it's own alongside motherhood as a culture-shaper?
Husband of 21 years, caregiver of three parents till their passing and all alongside a mother of two for 20 years. While traveling the world and preparing to head out again at 54!
Jim Collins
Thank you for this excellent & encouraging article. At at time when God's design for life is under daily assault - twisting the concept of marriage to accommodate all variety of couplings, the ongoing slaughter of innocent embryos (even executing "half a twin") - it's time that God's people recognized the amazing value of families.
Motherhood is a gift. And it's heartening each morning as I watch my wife tackle her variety of tasks with such gusto. She is a "disciple-maker" - shaping the minds of our kids & preparing them to live a Jesus-shaped life.
Ines Franklin
What a wonderful article!
I wish I had read this when I was a young mother 27 years ago. My generation succeeded at convincing me that as a woman I could do.. well everything! What a lie.
For years I pursued a career with as much aggression as Donald Trump. As I climbed the corporate ladder, the care of my children was left to not one, but two nannies. Twelve-hour work days required a lot of help on the home front. I am woman, hear me roar! CRASH!
By the age of 38, I hit the wall. I found out that I was not "super-woman" after all. No one is. She is a Hollywood invention. Daah! I quit my job and started a small art studio for children. This allowed me to spend more time with my children, and I have never looked back.
Being a mother is the most valuable "thing" I have ever done. It brings me great pleasure to remember the days at the park with my children and their friends pretending we were all students of Van Gogh. And I loved the many hikes at the park with our notebooks taking notice of every animal that we came across. Other favorites include memories of cooking, sowing and gardening adventures. The green minivan was busy! But my favorite memory is putting my children to bed: the two-hour routine of bath, water, bathroom, toothbrushing, reading, water, chatter, water, bathroom and finally, lights off. Oh, I miss those days.
Last week my youngest of three went off to college. As I write this I am home alone, working on a Master Degree in Theology. It is a new chapter in my life. But hey, I am still a MOM.
So Katie, Amen to your "larger vision of our role as “culture shapers” who can hold our own beside PhDs and playwrights, lest we be tempted to think our daily occupation as nose-wipers and shuttle drivers is anything less than a grand enterprise."
These powerful words will bless many mothers and mothers-to-be.
Ines Franklin
What a wonderful article!
I wish I had read this when I was a young mother 27 years ago. My generation succeeded at convincing me that as a woman I could do.. well everything! What a lie.
For years I pursued a career with as much aggression as Donald Trump. As I climbed the corporate ladder, the care of my children was left to not one, but two nannies. Twelve-hour work days required a lot of help on the home front. I am woman, hear me roar! CRASH!
By the age of 38, I hit the wall. I found out that I was not "super-woman" after all. No one is. She is a Hollywood invention. Daah! I quit my job and started a small art studio for children. This allowed me to spend more time with my children, and I have never looked back.
Being a mother is the most valuable "thing" I have ever done. It brings me great pleasure to remember the days at the park with my children and their friends pretending we were all students of Van Gogh. And I loved the many hikes at the park with our notebooks taking notice of every animal that we came across. Other favorites include memories of cooking, sowing and gardening adventures. The green minivan was busy! But my favorite memory is putting my children to bed: the two-hour routine of bath, water, bathroom, toothbrushing, reading, water, chatter, water, bathroom and finally, lights off. Oh, I miss those days.
Last week my youngest of three went off to college. As I write this I am home alone, working on a Master Degree in Theology. It is a new chapter in my life. But hey, I am still a MOM.
So Katie, Amen to your "larger vision of our role as “culture shapers” who can hold our own beside PhDs and playwrights, lest we be tempted to think our daily occupation as nose-wipers and shuttle drivers is anything less than a grand enterprise."
These powerful words will bless many mothers and mothers-to-be.
Marta Sears
I really appreciate your thoughtful and insightful piece, Kate. When I was a new stay-at-home mom I also struggled with that the dreaded question: "And what do you do?" For a while I alternated between calling myself a Life Coach and an Early Childhood Development Practitioner.
Two books that have been a great help to me in my motherhood journey are:
My Monastery is a Minivan (Loyola Press) by Denise Roy
The Myth of the Perfect Mother (Baker Books) by Carla Barnhill
I found the important community you mention in a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. My children are now in 2nd and 5th grade and I've just been asked to come back to MOPS as a "mentor mom." I'm grateful to have the opportunity to provide hope, encouragement, and affirmation to new moms navigating the early years.
Michelle
I'm curious. Did you have to get permission from The Washington Institute to republish their article?
It's an excellent piece. I had the privilege of hearing Ms Harris share it at MOPs. Her talk had a profound impact on my life.
~Lynn
Oh My... the most beautiful article! Thanks so much! Will be sharing this with many, many others!
Stephanie Hillberry
While I definitely think that celebrating motherhood as a vocation is valuable, i also wonder how the culture would respond if we answered "I'm a wife" to the standard "what do you do?" query (it would be a jaw dropper, for sure). Proverbs 31 was, after all, a story about a virtuous wife who was also a mother. Sometimes I fear that we celebrate the one (motherhood) over the other (marriage), even though the first proceeds from the second.
That said, I do love the idea of thinking of home, marriage and motherhood in vocational terms, because that is exactly what they are. In fact, the home as a vocation is quite possibly the most important vocation civilization has. It is the frontline for health, for safety, for manners, for education, for faith, and more. And it is perhaps the most valid answer to "what do you do?" that we have.
Wanda
Such a great post! I am so glad that this topic is on people's radar. As a stay at home mom for 15 years and now am going to finish my degree, I want people to know that I am not 'finally' getting a life. Thanks for sharing.
Sarah
Thank you for these great thoughts. When I was in the process of leaving my 80 hour workweeks as a physician to stay at home and be my then-soon-to-be-born daughter's mother, I recall a meeting I had with one of my female higher-ups. She was trying very hard, as did many at that time, to dissuade me from what she saw as a horrible mistake. Her words were, "I could never do what you are doing--being a doctor is my identity." And I smiled, and felt a great freedom as I told her that it was not mine. My identity is much stronger than my career, and unchanging, as my calling shifted with the new life I was resposible for, as my identity is founded in Christ.
I still face confused looks and criticism when people find I am trained as an MD yet choose to lay down my career. The New York Times even recently published an editorial about the horrible fact of women doctors working part-time when there is a doctor shortage (as if the state owns us--if that's the case, why didn't it pay my loans off?). I'm not sure, but as I look around our society I think the greater problem is the mother shortage.
I am able to use my skills volunteering once a week in a free clinic for the poor, and as you discribed for your artist friend, practicing my art makes me a better mother, too. And one day, there will be time again for more doctoring. One thing is clear to me: there are seasons in our lives, and this season full of diapers and tiny feet and crawling children will end all too soon.
Sara
As a 33-year-old single Christian female living in the D.C. area, I always find conversations about motherhood to be fascinating. I could not agree more with the idea that motherhood is a vocation. Yet, I think the way that this conversation is structured here opens the door to polarizing women on some levels, while at the same time neglecting an entire segment of women that are experiencing many of the same life questions but in a different context. I, for one, often ask people at parties the question, "What do you do?" It is a natural part of conversation that often holds no other intent than to connect with another person's life with a sense of curiosity. To say that it is an "identity-testing, status-gauging" question seems a bit harsh. I suppose it may sometimes feel like an identity test if one is struggling with one's sense of identity. But who isn't? I think it is important for mothers to recognize that single women and career women face these same kinds of daunting questions all of the time. How many times have you turned to a woman next to you at a party and asked, "Are you married?" or "Do you have kids?" It takes a tough skin to answer those questions over and over again through the years. As a single woman, I am no stranger to feelings of loneliness and self-questioning about where my identity is anchored. In the midst of a recent career change, I have lately reflected increasingly on the odd, existential predicament of realizing that I am not tied to anything or anyone, so to speak. On good days, this can feel like freedom, but on bad days, this can feel like being unmoored or disconnected or just alone. Stay-at-home mothers do not have the corner on the market in the area of loneliness or identity crises. In defense of women who are not mothers or who have engaged in careers, many of them would not have chosen this for themselves - most of them are not judging mothers at all. I, for one, would not choose to be single and working at this time in my life. I think motherhood sounds wonderful. I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't.
Justin
My question though is, when the children are of age to be in school 8 or more hours out of the day, can you still call motherhood a liable vocation? If the children are not there to be cared for, how is this a reasonable explanation for not being at a job?
Sarah Hempel irani
Thanks for pointing out that art-making is not about me time or therapy. It is hard work. I do both mothering and art making. It's no wonder I'm so worn out.
hempelstudios.wordpress.com
Kate
Thank you for taking such a balanced look at this question. As a woman who has struggled with infertility for 4 years and now gratefully expecting a baby, I have to echo Sara's comments. We absolutely stand behind your desire to serve God and not be treated as "less" because you are "just a mother". Could you encourage your mom-friends to extend the same interest and courtesy to women who are childless through infertility or singleness? I have had exactly the same experiences of loneliness, isolation and loss of identiy when I faced the prospect of losing my potential calling to be a mother...which was aggravated with incessant questions about when I was going to have kids. In many cases, other women felt free to criticize my "choice" to remain childless, telling me that my career was not as important as having children. It got very difficult to even attend social functions, knowing the questions and opinions that so often were waiting for me. Perhaps the real lesson here is that we need to value each other and look a little deeper than the exterior labels of "mother" or "career woman" and treat each other as sisters instead of strangers.
Amber
I loved and resonated with this article. I know that you were writing specifically about the life of the mother in families, and of your own experience, I only wish that, in articles like this, more attention was paid to the life of the father. "Fatherhood as vocation" - can that be next?
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