The Single-Minded Christian

by JR Kerr

There are all sorts of shifts taking place in society at present. It seems we are increasingly global, green and urban. We are also increasingly single and this is lasting later and later into life. Now, I am sure this is not surprising to you, but for me it confronted me with some poignant questions.

If our society at large is growing increasingly single how is this translating into our churches? I am not sure about you but I find churches, on the whole, to be some of the most anti-single places on the face of the earth. Seriously, the church might be one of the few places in our world today, outside of family reunions, where single people most fear to tread with the full disclosure of being "a single."

Let's consider the idea for a moment. In churches, we are often quick to find out whether or not someone is married or single. If you are married you get to hang out with the adults. If you are single you get to attend a really bad version of youth group for adults (typically dubbed "singles" as though that is one’s primary identity). Sermons often include illustrations that are family-friendly unless of course it is a challenge for the single to stop the selfishness, grow up and just pick someone already. Then we make statements like, "when you get married" or "when you meet mister right then life will make sense" as though the inevitable conclusion to a good life must end in marriage.

But what if singleness is a legitimate posture in the Kingdom of God?

What if marriage is not the point to life or even the Gospel?

In I Corinthians 7, Paul makes the statement that he wishes "we were as he himself is." He himself is, among many other things, single. Paul is making the case that to be single is preferred in his view of the kingdom, because it affords a single-minded view of the pressing and coming kingdom of God and our role in making a culture that reflects this reality.

There are fewer distractions in the single life, when it is lived properly, and it tells us something about the kingdom of God and the gospel played out in our lives as followers of Christ. In Paul’s view, we are all to live as a single-minded individual's; focused on what the Gospel requires of us as we live out our callings in our families, our churches, our cities, and our workplaces.

Perhaps, one of the most compelling things the church could do to create culture in society today is to offer an alternative community of culture-creators, both single and married, sharing equal status. Imagine a church that settled into its destiny as the community God's kingdom that gives meaning above all other communities and families.

It would be a place where single and married people, alike, find meaning in relationships and deep explanation of their place in this world as cultural creators designed by God for both mission and friendship.

Comments

Kevin Chai

Thank you for this article. As a 41 yr old single male, I fully concur that most churches don't know what to do with single adults, and we are often "segregated" from the rest of the congregation. American Church culture is SO demographically sliced-n-diced... according to race, age, and marital status. I don't believe it's done with deliberate exclusionary or malicious intent, but the (usually) unspoken sense that people feel I haven't "grown up" yet, or that there's something wrong with me, is uncomfortable and baffling.

Some recent experiences:

• I found myself in a conversation with a group of married friends who were discussing their upcoming New Years Eve party which, as it turned out, was a married-couples-only gathering. Since I was in the conversation, they couldn't very well not invite me, but they seemed uncomfortable with a single guy joining the group. Rather than graciously disinviting myself with a "sorry-I've-got-other-plans", I accepted their awkward invitation and we all had a great time in the end.

• I've recently moved to another part of the country and was checking out small groups in a new church I was considering. I found one online that seemed like it may be a good fit; it was the only one in this particular category that was advertised as a "mixed" group of marrieds/singles (all the others were "marrieds only"). So I set up a meeting for coffee with the leader and it came out that the group had evolved to be comprised of just married couples... but he had neglected to update the website database to reflect that. "Well, we're just a group of married people now, so you probably wouldn't like it." To which I responded, "Oh no, that's OK... I like married people." Awkward silence. Though tempted, I bit my tongue rather than follow on with "Do they not like single people???"

I've since found a church where I feel much more accepted as I am(!), and I pray for the day when the Church becomes desegregated... gatherings of believers that are racially/ethnically mixed, multi-generational, where singles are welcome to learn from the life experiences of marrieds — and where marrieds can find value in friendships with singles.

We are not "half-people". Thank you, JR, for affirming this in your post.

Diane Miller

JR.. you are right on with this post!... I was single till I was 40 & was always frustrated by how this scenario manifested itself within church. Part of the issue seems to be culture change & a lack of understanding within the church. The women in my generation bought into the women's movement; so, we all pushed for careers & postponed marriage..I think the same thing is happening with all singles today.. We, even in the church, have bought into an "economic focus", encouraging kids to pursue education before marriage. And, we don't realize how that is manifesting itself with isolation and sexual frustration within young single people..Then, we wonder why they always ask "how far can they go" in a dating relationship..da! The Christian singles rarely feel honored if they live a pure "singles life" because that choice is so counter-cultural within the world; and then, the choice seems counter-cultural for those that have chosen a traditional "marriage-focused" lifestyle within church culture and don't understand extended singleness... Older singles are isolated & economic-focused culture victims, in a sense. We need to take a serious "look" at this within the church... and, your post, is a Great Start!

This article prompted me to ask the following question: If you feel you are called to marriage, how are you supposed to find that right partner? I think it's a great thing to be in a community of believers that are like minded. The previous church I attended was very family oriented and thus did not allow many opportunities to meet other singles. I'm finding that Park does answer this and I have so far connected with many people, both singles and marrieds. We are also taught that it's important to take care of yourself first, serve the Lord, and everything else will take care of itself. But how do you avoid focusing on finding someone when it is simply a desire?

Thank you for your post. It was so nice to hear that other singles felt isolated and excluded in their churches. As a single woman, trying to find a church that didn't treat me like a misfit was incredibly difficult. I wanted people to get to know me before they asked about my marital status. I also became VERY tired of being pigeonholed into the "singles" group at church, almost as if I fraternized with the "marrieds" that my single state would corrupt or tempt others. For heavens sakes people, I'm just a Christian woman looking to make friends, learn and serve. Isn't that why we are all here?

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